Does My Foreign Fiance Just Want a Greencard?
If your relationship shows all the signs of a healthy relationship–communication, each partner likes spending time with the other, interaction with each other’s family and friends, and so on, you probably don’t need to worry over this issue.
Remember, people in most countries of the world are very patriotic and would NOT want to live in the US. People in poorer countries where life is a challenge often want to come to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, and so on to make a living–but they most often do this through student visas, tourtist visas, and work visas, not by trying to scam natives into marriage!
However, there are situations when people get duped in relationships for legal permanent residency in a country–like a greencard in the US, landed immigrant status in Canada, and so on. So, it doesn’t hurt to evaluate your relationship for signs just in case. When a partner is getting scammed, there are usually signs. Here are some signs that a partner may be trying to scam you (or that he or she may just be an undesirable partner!):
- He or she asks you for a lot of help pretty early in the relationship. Sure, partners ask for help sometimes. However, in the scam marriages, the dishonest partner was asking for WAY too much help early in the relationship–buy me a plane ticket, call me because I just can’t ever call you, I can’t use email because I need you to buy me a computer, I need new clothes, I can’t pay my rent, etc. (Note: My husband needed a little help when we were dating because his visa status didn’t allow him to work. But he LOVED me, so he almost never asked. And tried hard to refuse my help and figure out other ways. And he showed NO other signs below–he was attentive and warm always.)
- He or she tries to rush you into marriage.
- He or she tries to make you feel guilty for needing time to make a decision.
- He or she hasn’t introduced you to friends or relatives, or if they are in a different country, hasn’t even told them about you. Remember, marrying in the US doesn’t make your spouse legally married in a different country! If you are really suspicious, see how he or she reacts when you insist on marrying in their country too.
- This person has lied to you about different things. (A liar is a liar and will be dishonest for many reasons, not one.)
- This person doesn’t do things a person in love would tend to do–call often, ask you on dates a lot, want to sit and talk to you for long periods of time, hold your hand, act affectionate, try to help you in different situations.
- Your friends tell you this person seems rude or seems to be using you. Even if you are blinded by love, your friends and family probably won’t be. A healthy partner in love will NOT treat you poorly. (Of course, it’s possible that a partner is mean, yet does NOT want a greencard. But who needs a mean partner regardless??)
- Your “partner” claims to love you but treats you very differently from how he treats his or her friends and family. He or she spends lots of time with friends or family, but barely has any time for you (though lots of excuses!).
- Anyone who makes wild promises and gives you too many gifts is suspicious. This person might give you huge compliments one moment, or gifts, especially if you have threatened to leave the relationship. But if the person just wants a greencard, he or she will not want to be with you very often and might act annoyed when you are together. If you find yourself asking questions like “Why don’t you call me more? Why do you always go out with your friends but never with me?” you have some things to figure out.
If you read this list and feel really suspicious, here are a few things you can do to gage your partner’s reaction:
- Talk about living together in his or her country rather than the US. Now, my husband would have said “No, we won’t make enough money there.” However, he would have been calm and respectful. If your partner gets irritable, angry, or acts completely shocked just because you brought this up, you might have a problem.
- Insist on getting married in his or her country too, particularly in a place of religious worship with your partner’s family in attendance. It may not be totally necessary if you know you’ll live here–that’s okay. Just ask to see how your partner reacts. But again, if your partner gets really freaked out about this suggestion, that’s a sign of a problem.
- Ask your partner for help in ways he or she can help you and see how he or she responds. If you have a fiance in Russia or China, for example, and you know she has NO money, ask her to send you photographs of places from her childhood–her school, her family, her pets, and so on. Ask her if she could send you a letter once a week in the mail because you miss her when you can’t call. If you get tons of excuses and no solutions every time you ask her to do something small and simple, you have a fiance who doesn’t love you enough to even mail a letter. Lose this person no doubt.
These tests will not definitely show you anything, but they may clue you into suspicious behavior and clue you in on the need to think further about possible issues. Also note: Your fiance may just be a less-than-desirable partner, and not necessarily a scammer. ALSO, there are many partners who scam people into marriage for reasons other than a greencard! Bottom line: Don’t marry a person you aren’t fulfilled with–marriage is hard enough even when you find the “perfect” partner. The challenges of intercultural marriage will cause a weak partnership to crumble. The partnership can only be strong if both people are reasonably respectful, kind, and healthy-minded.
Filed under: Emotions, Immigration, Parent Reactions, Thoughts, Uncategorized
First of all, I’m so glad I found this site when I first searched google. I’m 20 years old and I am in a relationship with a girl from Guatemala who has no papers and doesn’t speak English. She is 18 years old. We have been together for over 7 months now. I searched google for “how to know if they don’t just want a green card” and this is what came up. We are no where near marriage because I would only consider \it after having been with someone for at least 5 years. We have many disagreements and arguments because of communication issues and cultural clashes. I’m very good with Spanish and speak a lot of it but some times I can miss things. My girlfriend studies English and is trying to learn but she never wants to practice. Since I always talk to her in Spanish it isn’t really helping but she gets frustrated when I try to push it on her. She says she loves me and she would never use someone for a green card. She also told me she plans on returning to Guatemala in a year or two because she misses her family. I get worried sometimes because I think she is only with me because I’m American. What could I do to find out for sure? She is a very shy, quiet person and we can be together for hours without talking. I would also like to know what would be some good topics of conversation, we really don’t seem to have much in common except that we work at the same place. I don’t know if it’s because of the language barrier or if we really are not meant for each other. She has told me she wants me to go back to her country with her. I’ve met her older siblings who live here and have spoken with her mom on the phone a couple times. She seems to really be into me. What advice do you have for me? Tom
Hi Tom,
I think if you are planning to wait 5 years, you have nothing to worry about–before that time, it will become very obvious whether your fiance loves you or not!
On having nothing in common: I always thought my husband and I had nothing in common–but actually we do. These things are not typically what you think of though–not sports, hobbies, past-times, and things we like. The things we have in common that have really formed a bond for us are family, a tendency to take risks, and a similar idea of how family, home, and jobs should play out in life. Otherwise, we seem to have literally nothing in common.
My husband always got very irritated at me for pushing English. I think that’s normal. It could create issues with employment later, but I don’t think your pushing her will make a difference in her studies! It’s early to worry about that anyway though.
It sounds like you both really like each other! How lucky for you:) I think to find out for sure why she likes you, it’ll take time rather than some action on your part. Also, it’s ok if she finds it cool that you’re from the USA–I think it’s really awesome that my husband is from the country he’s from, for example–but it’s not related to trying to live there or anything. I just think it’s neat:)
Haha I wish I’d found this site earlier -
I broke up with my girlfriend after dating her 3 months (which I feel good about not having let it go on longer) – I was blinded by love but saw all of these problems, and broke up with her based on the problems alone.
After reading this I wish I had seen this website earlier, as I could have saved myself probably 2 months of being used in a relationship.
Anyway my girlfriend didn’t want a green card from me, just wanted to use me since I had money and spoke English.
But either way, these are signs for any bad relationship, so I’m glad I ended it. Thanks for the advice though here.
Well too late for me,my fiance and I got married already . After 3 years of traveling overseas to see him meet his family and making big plans for the future I find out he was a liar and big time cheater, he planed all to get out of his country and I fell on my face.. he move out of my house, to another state, took my money and let me full of debts and now he refuse to sign the divorce. because he has a green card( not permanent) and also a work permit Yeah I was a fool ok but now What to do next?
I want a divorce/ anulment I just want to end the nightmare ASAP help!!!
Hi Olga, I know that there are ways to get a divorce even without the signature of the spouse–but I don’t know the details. I think you really should try to speak to an attorney–divorce attorneys are not always expensive, and even one meeting could be very informative and help you proceed. I am sorry this happened to you. I wish you the very best of luck in putting things back together.
First of all thank you so much, I being married into one of those scams, she gotten me arrested and so forth, However the lucky part was that I didn’t marry her in the civil court yet. Can anyone please help me with how to contact the authorities for her being illegal in this country and tried to scam me into the paper marriage!
thanks,
email your contacts here loaferkan@hotmail.com
Interesting enough u see repply from the people who gave or almost gave resdency to a immigrant but u don’t see the immgrats reply.
I am one of those illigal alien or I was or I might be again I don’t know at this point. I meet my former wife when I was in H.S. We dated for 3 years and stay married for 2. We took our sweet time to actually fill out the paper work for immigration almost a full year after we marry and well summit it everything I got my work permit in like 3 month after we turn in the paper work and my greencard about 3 – 6 months later and unfurtunaly about 4-6 month later we just fell apart fight moreoften then not and the whole works. After being separated for a year she summited the divorce papers and I sign them cuz I agree with her that we just didn’t work out (do I still think about her I do) after that we stop talkng and she develop I deep hatred for me out of the blue (well maybe she had reason but seeing as this is my story I don’t see why) so we no longer talk. I am currently fighting to keep my greencard but immigration is being a pain my lawyer say that if I don’t get some sort of statement from her my case may just go down to hell. But she refuses to do anything. Funny enough although I am not sure if my case goes down to hell she might get found of being an acomplace or something to obtain my greencard and she might end up facing jail time or soemthing. Now I guess what I mean to do here is what do you think? Anyone know of what can I do or any advice?
OLGA…contact the embassy and explain everything….Deport him
I recently married my husband in his country of residence, and although we married in the same city as my spouse’s parents live in, he did not invite them nor did he ever introduce me to them. He claims it was because he was “on the outs” with them at the time, but later I discovered that he still lives with his parents (except when he was in the U.S. for college and work). So at the time that we married, although we were living together at a resort, he was officially living with his parents. Now he keeps delaying my meeting his parents. Initially he said when we got our I-129/K3 visa approved I would fly back, meet his family, and we would come to the U.S. – however, during our last conversation, he said I would meet his family “next year”. At the same time, he talks about his family (at least his mother) affectionately and reminds me how important family is. This leaves me thinking that family is important, but I’m not considered part of his family. Most of my friends, both American and from other countries, say that if he really loved me he would be proud of me and excited to introduce me to his family. He is Indian but living in the U.A.E.. This all confuses me as all three of the involved cultures include family in marriage and other important life events. I wonder if he is using me for money or a green card, even though so far he has paid for everything. The closer we get to the visa being approved, the more worried I get. I feel like his “dirty secret”. I have not met a single one of his friends or family members. There is another concern but more personal. I’d love to be able to talk to someone about it. I love him, but I am not about to destroy my life or be hurt by someone – and my brain is telling me to back out while I can.
wow, this was all the warning signs. each signal matched my situation. i really love him and thought he loved me but i always had doubts in my mind that there was something else there. This has finally solved my questions/answers after 2 years of dating. he rushed into our relationship, asked me to marry him after only 3 days and than after that took my money, ignored me, treated everyone better, and abused me. than last week he asked me to marry him, and he meant now. he said before he wanted me to finish school, he said i will wait you, i want you to finish school. now he is begging me to marry him. very informal, no ring, nothing romatic, he didnt ask my father. he just wants to get married in a court house and have no honeymoon. suggestions for breaking up?
If this guy is abusing you financially, or even physically?
Does he have a plan on paying you back? If NOT then you should ask him questions on what his goals are with you.
If he is BEATING you, tell him to CHOKE on a D.I.C.K! FLAT OUT FORGET THAT DUDE! Physical abuse is NEVER good relationship to be in.
You should talk to him about his feelings for you…look into his eyes to know if he is saying is TRUE. Have your dad or sibling talk to him alone as well. Give your family a chance to get to know him, so they can give you their opinion. If he doesnt want to contribute to anything then DROP his a$$ ASAP! If the guy is not romantic, and he doesnt seem like he will surprise you with a present or a ring…what kind of fun is that???
You should think twice about your relationship…get second a opinion…marriage can wait for few good years if you plan on seeing this dude. TRUE love is waiting for everything to be DONE RIGHT! ”ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN”
Talk with this guy on how you think about things…know if he is LIABLE, DEPENDABLE, TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST, STRAIGHT FORWARD, (In other WORDS someone, that isn’t afraid of giving you TRUE answers, even if its good or bad) ALWAYS GIVING YOU SOMETHING IN RETURN…if he is someone that will go out of their way for you….(If he doesn’t seem like that then MOVE ON!)
Look for honest, stand up guy…person that will repay you for everything you do for him….
It doesnt hurt to get second opinion though. GOOD LUCK!
I advise anyone to check the other person out, check the gene pool, meaning meet their family & friends in their country and be aware of their motives. I was in and out of a relationship/marriage for over 5 years. We were off and on. The 1st major break-up was w/o success on his part. The 2nd time around, he got the employment card, traveling visa and SS card which were all temporary. I did his resume, applied at jobs for him, encouraged him to go to school for a GED, which he never completed. He even fell sick and I was there by his side leaving the States and visiting his country helping nurse him back to health. The beginning signs were the buying the plane tickets, meals, free housing and traveling as well as extra curricular activityies. While I won’t deny he did love me at one time, his ‘User” ‘mode always easily turned on. This year he was caught in lies, and admitted cheating and that’s when I had enough. By the time he moved out, I had received the 2 yr. greencard which I still have in my possession. The question is should I keep it or give it to him? This man may have helped cook & clean, & helped when I moved a few times, but he left me in debt and did absolutely nothing to deserve this card. It’s been 2 mos and have not heard from him. Yet…..Have since filed for divorce and getting ready to serve him.
This website is great.
My Turkish fiance (we have been together for 1 year and just got engaged) does not fall under any of these categories. Actually if he were American I’d probably be married already but I am just reluctant because my ex was also Turkish and a perfect liar. I am so lucky I didn’t get engaged to him. My new fiance however bothers me because I met him in Turkey while living here and know that he “only dates Americans.” Also, he has America souveniers all over our apt. I think he is a little too eager to “be American.” Our plan is to stay in Turkey for a couple more years and then move to HK or the USA. I am just so terrified he will change and his love right now is an act. I’ve questioned him about ingenuity before and he says his life is good here (nice apt, nice car), and if he wanted to live in America he would go there and find a poor girl to bribe. I really don’t know what to do. He supports me now but my biggest concern is wasting my love and years of my life… I feel guilty for even saying this because he really treats me so well..
This website was very helpful. Be weary of hispanic illegal men (who lie about their legal status) who in addtion to getting married want to rush to have children. Many of them believe that having a child in addition to being married to an American, seals their immigration case and that it makes it more likely to get approved for permananet residency. Watch your finances closely, they like to sneak and send $ back home no matter what county they are from- Mexio, Honduras, El Salvador, Columbia, etc and they will say they are helping their Mom, etc. But it’s highly likely that they are supporting another familiy in their home country or children that they have not told you about. I would suggest getting married in BOTH countries.
I might my girlfriend in college and we have been dating seriously for a 2 months now…..we hope to get marriend in the future and she knows i will require my greencard to future my education to the doctorate level but she keeps insisting that i love her because i want to use her for my greencard. I have a mum and a two beautiful sister who have taught me to respect woman cuz only a woman can give life and i will never hurt or let go of her. She is 5 years older than me but to me age is just a number and it takes ones mentally to mature. I love my girlfriend so much but she thinks i say this because i need a greencard from her. I am 24 years and not getting younger so is anyy wrong if i find my better half now……..I wonder when is the best time in life a man life to get married. This marriage with greencard is a major problem in intercultural marriages especially in America. She want to get married to me but she is afraid i might let go of her….I care about so much that when she is sad i am sad too. I know she loves me so much and i love her more back but the issue of me needing this greencard with her help is always an excuse for her to start an argument that i don’t love her and hence my love is conditioned based. It really saddens my soul when she says that and i wish she could understand me better. I love my girl friend so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please someone please help me i don wanna loose her because of a common greencard?????
This is a good website, I did not pay much attention to the signs, but deep down I knew in my heart that something was not right. I chose not to believe in it. I met this Lebanese guy in July of 2006, he wanted to get married in November of that year. I talked to him into getting “engaged” first. I broke the “happy” news to my family and they were suspicious, especially my mother. He wanted to get married so fast, the excuse he put was that it was for religious purposes, for us to be able to live together etc. When 2007 came around he pushed and pushed marriage again. We got in to so many arguments, broke up a couple of times, but he still persisted. We finally had a civil ceremony because none of my family members wanted to attend except for my oldest brother. We got married and three months after because of all the family problems I had, I filed for divorce. He talked me out of it, he said if we moved to another state all will be better, he said that we would be able to show my family that we could be happy and prosper. So we did move, he applied for his work permit and ultimately a green card. There were many instances were I wanted to leave him but he would not let me, he was a great persuader. He finally got his green card this April 2010, and I told him I wanted a divorce, he signed I filed.
If you are in a situation similar to mine, please listen to those around you, and to your heart, if there is a small ounce of doubt, listen to it.
I’m going thru the same situation of most of the stories I just read especially Dee’s… The Jerk after three years of marriage, tells me I LOVE in my own way.
What crap is that! He loved me when he wanted a favor from me, when he didn’t he completed ignor me to the extent that he cheated on me. IF I had the power I would really take his greencard away in a heartbeat.
SO HURT,
-Maribel
My situation is trickly..I did marry my husband in his country and have been introduced to several of his friends. His family all know about me but they do not know of our marriage. He insists he doesn’t want to even live in the US but he is forced to as i have a young daughter from a previous marriage who cannot travel with me out of the US. His sister is aware of our marriage but that is only because she saw photos I posted on facebook and he was absolutely livid when he found out. We talk everyday and we are closing in on our immigration status but some days I feel I am just the “dirty little secret” too. He is Indian and I read about all the warnings but fell in love and I believe he loves me as well but sometimes I worry because he lies to his family so much and seems to want to procrastinate coming to the US. Maybe its because his family doesn’t approve of me and he is ashamed that he went behind their backs…time will tell..
I am in the same situation. I met a guy from Africa last year who had been here on a study visa but it had run out. When I met him, he didn’t mention any of this and was working. I thought he was legal as he was working etc. After a month he asked me to marry him. Alarm bells started ringing but he said it was for religious purposes as he is muslim and living together out of marriage is haram (illegal in islam). We had, however, been having sex the entire time, which is also haram in islam! Anyway, after 4 months we got married in a mosque in the islamic way and then moved in together. It was about 4 months later that it all came out that he is not legal to work in the UK and we have to file for a spouse visa asap or he will have to leave.
I have had my suspicions about the relationship from the start but he was such a good manipulator. He was also extremely, extremely emotionally abusive. He would ignore me, call other women behind my back, go on web cams with other women, had girls on instant messenger and would spend more time chatting with them than talking to me. Whenever I asked questions, he would shout at me, call me stupid, put me down, criticise me. I would have to beg him to spend time with me. It was like he hated me but had to hang around because of the spouse visa. We applied for the visa and it is currently in the works. However, I have just left the relationship because I am tired of not being good enough, tired of being shouted at, tired of being put down, tired of being emotionally manipulated, tired of being abused, tired of being treated as though i am the most annoying person in the world and it is just the biggest effort for him to even spend any time with me. When he is home he will just sleep or go on the internet. I do not feel ANY love from him at all. Even the sex feels disconnected. I feel like i am just a body and most of the time he would not even satisfy me, just take his own satisfaction and be done with it.
I feel humilated, used and abused. But I have realised and I have gained the strength i need to admit that he never loved me, he was using me, that he has abused me and that this relationship is over. It is over. I have accepted it. I loved this man with all of my heart and soul. I would cry after a round of abuse and then the silent treatment for hours but he would just turn on the computer or game console and ignore my tears. Nothing got to him, he has a big void where any human emotion and sympathy should be. I have never been good enough for him and he has never loved me. I see this now and it hurts. It hurts so much. I ask myself how I could love him after everything he has done and put me through. I don’t know the answer, but i did fall deeply, deeply in love with him. It hurts so much to leave and know I will never see him again. It hurts so much to realise that he never loved me and is using me….. but I would rather feel this hurt once and be able to get over it and live my life happily than to be hurt every day for the rest of my life and cry every day. There was no happiness, no joy – just anxiety, paranoia, tears, sadness, stress and depression. I have not been to work for months due to the anxiety and depression this “man” has caused me. I have developed irritable bowel due to all of the stress, I cannot sleep, I cry constantly and I have lost all of my confidence. I still love him, but this cannot go on. I deserve happiness and I will not be used to provide a visa for my country. It is over. I urge ANYONE in this situation to do the same. Get out while you can, before it is too late! Find someone who LIGHTS UP YOUR LIFE! Find someone who is true and who loves you. It might hurt, no, it DOES hurt… but you will recover and the hurt will be gone. You will go on to be happy afterwards.