Foreign Spouse and Learning English
Ugh, English almost caused our marriage to end! My husband refused to learn English for several years. This baffled my family, made it very hard for my husband to find work, and to be honest–it just really felt unfair to me–not only did I have to work full-time, plus study in the evenings, but I also had to pay all the bills. So my husband could sit around and not work? It felt like he had all the choices, but I got none. It was infuriating and unfair, but looking back, I realize it was really hard for him too. My husband refused to learn English for several reasons, which I understand now, but did not understand then:
- He was afraid he couldn’t learn English.
- He felt embarrassed trying to speak English–he didn’t know words or how to put them together.
- He couldn’t accept reality–he tried to hold onto hope that he didn’t NEED to learn English. (Eventually he understood that this was wrong–but only after he’d learned the language!)
- He hates studying, always did, always will.
So how did he learn? He learned on the job. He had very difficult jobs, and there he had to communicate in English all day. At first, he could barely do it, but each day over the course of four years, he spoke each day and learned. I also tried to speak with him–but he always answered me in Russian. (Neither of us speak Russian natively but it’s the language we use together). So I gave up…
It can feel really hopeless when a spouse can’t speak the language around you–it can be embarrassing for you and your spouse in social and professional situations. The temptation is usually to pressure the spouse to learn the language. But remember–your spouse wants to learn the language around him or her much more than you want this! It’s very difficult to be unable express oneself or understand what people are saying due to a language barrier. I’ve been there. I experienced this in both Russia and Spain–it was very stressful for me, and I LOVE language learning! I like the phrase “When in Rome…” In Italy, you need to speak the language to find Italian jobs–it’s the same here and everywhere else.
Language learning will happen as long as your spouse is exposed to English (or the native langauge of whichever country you live in). Try to be patient and encourage your spouse to be in situations where he or she can hear and speak the language. Also, examine why you have this dynamic in your marriage–I never did this because our situation changed; however, if unchanged, it could easily lead to a burdensome, unbalanced marriage even for two people who are very in love. People need time to adjust to a new culture and accept the reality that learning what they need to might be hard. If all else fails, try putting yourself in your spouse’s place. What if you suddenly had to move to Brazil, adjust to the culture, and find Portuguese jobs? It’s so hard adjusting to a new country. However, it’s important that the patterns change at some point so that responsibilities are shared–it’s too much for one person to do everything.
Filed under: American Culture, Emotions, English Language, Finding a Job, Foreign Culture, Language Learning, Uncategorized
Although my situation is not exactly the same, I can definitely sympathize. My husband is Puerto Rican and speaks both Spanish and English. Spanish is his first language but he speaks English fluently. Since his family is in Puerto Rico and do not speak English, the pressure is on me to learn Spanish.
I also love learning, but it can be stressful when we are there and I am immersed, although I have learned alot over the past couple of years, I am still far from considering myself to be fluent. I just have to keep practicing and know that it gets easier with time (and work).
Good for you for practicing patience. My husband (and his family) does the same for me and I can not imagine how difficult it would be without it.
Thank you for sharing! I think it’s helpful for spouses to know how stressful it is for the one who is required to change…It seems so easy until you have to do it yourself–even just taking a trip to beautiful Puerto Rico, as you mentioned, can be stressful due to immersion in a different culture and language.
I was REALLY hoping you’d give some more pointers on how to make this happen. My marriage is on the rocks because my wife from Ecuador will NOT learn English. She has been in the US for 12 years and just can’t get it.
Does she want to? Yes. Does she study? No. Is she dumb? No, she’s got a master’s degree. So why won’t she? PLEASE, someone tell me!
It is the most frustrating thing in the world. We’ve got 3 kids which are getting to the age where they are passing their mom in language, and soon, she will not ever be able to have those heart-to-hearts with her kids because she doesn’t study, but rather complains how hard English is and what little time she has to study.
About ever six months she will go on these English bursts (like a kid who just drank 10 Cokes) which last a good 5 days. 6-7 hours per day of studying. Then, just as quick as it came, the studying stops.
I have told her that’s not the way to study. It’s better to study 1 hour per day EVERY DAY (or 10 minutes for that matter) than to study 7 hours per day for 10 days a year.
But there is a total disconnect.
Now my patience is next to utterly gone and it shows. How can you make the same mistakes after 10000s of corrections. It’s embarrassing when she says “Did you went the store?” HUH??? Why, oh why after 10 years do you even have those words come into your brain that way? “I no can espeak English.” PLEASE!
I’m at my witts end. Ugh.
Hi Sam,
I totally understand. My husband has learned English, but only by coincidence through jobs, and even after more than 10 years, he still speaks with a very heavy accent and makes mistakes that I beg him to stop. (The biggest one is “What you said?” instead of “What did you say?”)
I actually only try to get him to correct that ONE error because it’s one that comes up even initially in conversations and job interviews, so I feel creates the wrong impression–it makes him look like he can’t understand, though he understands perfectly…
But will he correct that ONE error? He will not…
One possible tip–maybe consider getting her a female tutor for *speaking* practice not *studying*. The speaking practice makes a huge difference–even once a week, especially if the tutor is good and told in advance which phrases and situations to focus on. It’s much funner to do that than study too–especially if the tutor has the right personality. Whatever you do, don’t go with anyone who knows Spanish…Best of luck.